Monday, December 24, 2007

My last post for 2007

Well deserved or not, I'm taking a break from lab. For a good nine days.

I really need a breather. Lab has been most suffocating. Enough is enough la.

I went shoe hunting today because apparently ALL my shoes have holes. It's a little hard to find really because I'm a size 9 and all those stupid shops are such SIZE-IST. How can they not carry a size 9? There came a point when I was served by this lady who wanted to approximate whether my foot could fit into the shoe, so I stuck out my foot. At first the shock registered, then a head shake and then amazement. And then she asked me for my age, probably pondering whether I am old enough for my feet to stop growing.

Anyway that stupid shop was one of those size-ist shop. You can tell just by looking at that salesperson.

But I found this GREAT SHOP. Which has ALL THE SHOES I COULD EVER WANT (at least until now). Not only is it not size-ist. It's not sexist as well.
They don't go and say things like, oh this is the largest for female, but for male...
Which basically made me resent all males feet for having the privilege to be BIG.

Just a few words before I end.

I'd like to think that I'm a little older in the wisdom department. I hope I've upgraded myself to a more senior rank at least. Past petty squabbles and uncalled for righteous indignation. Past childish behaviour. And past grudges.

Well, see you folks next year.

Grinning Goat at 12/24/2007 01:33:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Away

I've been depressed. I'm looking forward to monday. I just need to be away from the lab. For a while.

I walked through today without a sunny disposition; CK noticed and she said something that managed to make me laugh.

Stressed ah? Where is the old Ross? I don't want this impostor.

Impostor Ross.

Grinning Goat at 12/22/2007 01:29:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Learn to fly

Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

And I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly

I'm learning how to fly.

And it's hard. It made me feel slow and stupid. And I hate feeling slow and stupid.
It dents my pride.

It dents my pride a lot.

Grinning Goat at 12/20/2007 02:00:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Boredom pays

My eyes are half closed now (well, Regina would argue that she can't tell because they aren't big to begin with anyway). The bed beckons but I figured I should write this before I forgot. Or lose enthusiasm (more the latter than the former).

The benefit of being in pathophysiology is that you get to go to both the pathology christmas party and physiology
christmas party. Pathology is not as rich as physiology but they had a pretty decent game of Bingo (an aunty-ish game I called it, that is until I won and got myself a boy duster).

Regina: too bad I can't violate you, Ross
Dr.Lim: did she just say violate? (clearly not used to our less than refined lingo)
Ross: yes, our vocabulary is..quite rich
Joan: richer than your wardrobe la ross

In the evening, I invigilated for this class. Diploma for marketing.
It was probably the most boring job in the world. Well, I suppose I can't complain because after all I got paid for keeping my eyes open. Where else do you get that kind of a job?

Only 2 out of 7 students turned up.

One is this auntie called Nancy (ok, not auntie, because people DO take offense at that word sometimes, so it's strictly ma'am). She LOOKED like a Nancy. The other one is a guy called Adrian. He didn't look like an Adrian to me.

Anyway. Nancy reminded me a lot of students in general. She came to school EARLIER to study. And she was what, 50 years old? Older maybe, I'm never good at guessing people's age so can you imagine what kind of precarious situation I'm in when people ask me to guess their age? I suppose though you will never go wrong with minusing a coupla years off the age you really thought. If you think she's a sixty, knock off 10 years, it'll pay.

And she was still furiously shuffling her notes, trying to squeeze in substances in what little memory she had, 10 minutes before the exam. Which was endearing somewhat; because I can definitely sympathise with her as a student.

Adrian on the other hand, came just in time. And left an hour early. He skipped 2 questions and did the survey shabbily (circling all "very satisfactory", probably without reading the whole thing first). AND he BROUGHT HOME ALL THE EXTRA PAPERS I GAVE HIM. I know because I gave him 5 extra papers and none of his answers was in the extra sheet.

This Adrian, he MUMBLED when he checked his answer. I know, I know I was just picking on faults but I was so terribly bored that I smsed anybody I could think of that usually replied within the next 10 minutes.

Nancy just frowned throughout. And refused to leave before the 2 hours were up.

So it was just me, my mind
And the two of them
Who were busy writing,
so I guess it was just me and my mind
Without a pen

There they were, writing away. Nancy had two pens. Blue and black. Somewhere along the middle she switched pens. I wonder why. Do you think she color coded her answer? section B should be blue. Section C black, you think?

I know it's probably not right for an invigilator to covet a student's pen.

But a pen would've spared me a lot of agony.
But for fear of looking unprofessional I restrained myself. And continued staring.
I walked around the room a bit. But there's only SO MUCH you could walk in that tiny room. It wasn't exactly the African continent.

And there's a limit to how interesting you can pretend Nancy and Adrian's head were, seen from the back of the class. It's time for Nancy to dye her hair I have to say.

And when it was all over, I chitchatted with Nancy. She kept mentioning God's grace but at this point the bell hadn't rang in my head yet. She complained a little (ok a lot actually) about the test paper, the lack of attendance in general and poor memory.

Nancy: Don't tell them you gave me extra time. And anyway you didn't right?
R: no, I didn't. You were just copying your answer over on another sheet.
Nancy: don't tell them I was 'copying' though. They might think I'm copying from somewhere else.

Aiya. I won't shatter the dream of an old lady to get a diploma in marketing la.
Besides, looking at how hard she frowned during the test, I knew she didn't cheat.
It's Adrian I should be worried about.

R: so what do you work as?
Nancy: Oh I'm in marketing. You know what I market? The most precious commodity on earth, you know what that is?

Hmmmmmm, Nancy you're not a marketer for P.U.B, are you? But of course I didn't say that.

R: ahmm, are you selling water? what's this most precious commodity you were talking about?
Nancy: human beans
R: whatt???
Nancy: human beans, you know, you and I
R: ......ohh

And thennnnnnn there it came. It hit me in the head. FULL FORCE.

She asked me, Ross do you know what's the difference between Christianity and other religion?
She said, Christianity is not a religion, it's a (I was prepare for something like "a way of life") RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN GOD AND MAN.

Isn't that the essence of ALL RELIGION??? If she had said that Christianity is "a way of life"; THAT I can accept. But saying that "relationship between God and man" is the difference between Christianity and other religion, that's being AWFULLY ARROGANT, isn't it?
What makes her think other religion is not an advocate of God-man relationship?

So I asked, how do you know that? Did you try other religion? (I know that in retrospect, this sounds horrible; as though religion is food to be tasted but I was too shocked by her statement to come up with a better expression)

Nooooo, Ross, religion is not something you try and see if it fits you. It just feels right. (You see, this is one of the reasons why communication sometimes breaks down between me and a religious person; Because I can't just accept the idea that I should embrace Christianity because it FEELS RIGHT to me. If it DOES, do you think I would still be here moaning about it and trying to have a conversation with a convert in the hope that her zeal somehow rubs off on me??)

Anyway if anybody ever succeeds in converting me, it will NOT be by badmouthing the other religions in front of me. It just doesn't work that way, you know. If your product is so good, you wouldn't need to make it look good by making the others look bad. It's good. Period. Putting down the others just makes you look like you're trying too hard to convince. And in the end, it sounds like it's not ME you're trying to convince. But yourself.

You're NOT SO SURE that you are right. That's why you have to talk YOURSELF INTO BELIEVING IT, by talking to me.

You should read the bible, Ross. Do you have one?
ahh no
You should buy one. It's a worthy investment. Do you want one? I can give you one.
Ahh no I'm fine
You know what the bible means?
ahh no
B.I.B.L.E , that's short for Book of Instruction Before Leaving Earth

Ok I laughed at this one. I know this is bordering on blasphemy maybe, but it sounded so ridiculous at the time I couldn't help myself.

Did your priest tell you that?
nooo he didn't

I wonder who did then.

Do you know what grace means?
ahh no (it's a lot easier to just say no to everything)

GRACE (which was ordinarily defined as undeserved favour) was, according to her: God's Redemption at Christ's Expense.

Do you think it's a coincidence that we meet? The Lord wants to reach you. He loves you.

Ok, The Lord may love me, but The Lord also certainly knows how to get to me. By sending Nancy who is practically an elderly. I will never be rude to an elderly. I may want to argue with the things she preached about (and she did say that my intellect is a barrier to my self-realisation, whatever she means by that)but I won't.

Send me an overzealous young man and I will argue until he runs out of things to say.
With Nancy, I'll only go as far as a no.

It's not that I'm rejecting this religion totally. I'm not saying that at all.
When I told her I'm a free thinker, she asked, so what do you think about?


Oh, PLENTY, Nancy if you want to know. I just couldn't be bothered to start this conversation with a stranger on a bus stop. It'll be endless and at the end of the day, I'll be more convinced than ever that I'm right and you're wrong. Which serves no purpose at all. I WANT TO BE CONVINCED OTHERWISE.

And I don't like it when she badmouthed the Catholic, saying Christian has only 66 chapters in their bible, but the Catholic they added more. I don't know WHAT STUFF they add but A TRUE bible has only 66 chapters, she said.

Now, now I'm not even a Catholic and she managed to boil my blood by this baseless assumption. WHAT MAKES HER THINK A TRUE BIBLE HAS ONLY 66 CHAPTERS?

Is it perhaps, said in ANOTHER HOLY BOOK I don't know about, that A TRUE BIBLE only has 66 chapters?
The fact is, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S TRUE AND WHAT'S NOT. That's why it's called FAITH. Because there's no proof. and you just have to believe in it.

How convenient it is to say that the religion she believes in has a bible that happens to be true but not the others. This is not faith. This is BLIND devotion, with emphasis on the BLINDESS than the devotion.

So I asked politely, how do you know that a true bible has only 66 chapters?
Because it just is, you have to know the truth, dear.

I don't take that as an answer; I take that as an EVASION. I think she doesn't know why. And I hate it when people I don't really know call me dear.

You want a book about christianity? Read C.S Lewis' Mere Christianity.
In fact, I did. And that book answered more questions than Nancy did. All she did was evoke a sense of enmity in me. She arouses the rebel in me. She convinced me even more just how much I DON'T WANT TO TURN INTO HER.

Just another overzealous convert. A fanatic to the bone.

Grinning Goat at 12/19/2007 01:16:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Monday, December 17, 2007

UNWORTHY with a capital U

I'M WRITING THIS ALL STRICTLY IN CAPS. AND IN DUE TIME YOU WILL KNOW THAT THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON FOR ME TO DO THIS. BECAUSE I DON'T DO THIS OFTEN. IN FACT, I NEVER DO THIS AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, I WAS WATCHING ASIAN IDOL IN THE CLEARLY NAIVE HOPE THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE A FAIR COMPETITION (WITH A CAPITAL F, BUT I CAN'T GO ANY BIGGER THAN THE CAPITALS OR IT WOULDN'T FIT INTO THE BROWSER). TO FIND THE BEST SINGER IN ASIA.

NOT TO FIND THE SINGER WITH THE MOST VOTES.

CLEARLY I AM NOT THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TO OVERLOOK THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS SHOW IS GOING TO HAVE SERIOUS PAUCITY OF ARTISTIC INTEGRITY. YES, CLEARLY I AM BLIND. BUT I AM NOT DEAF. AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHY I CAN SAY WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT MR. HADY MIRZA IS UNWORTHY.

THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK AGAINST HIM. I RESPECT HIM AS A SINGER. BUT IN THIS COMPETITION, IF I WERE TO BE HONEST AT ALL, HE IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. NOT AS GOOD AS THE OTHERS.

AND WHEN I SAID THAT I EXPECTED ARTISTIC INTEGRITY, I DID EMBRACE THAT SPIRIT AND I WAS PREPARED FOR THE LOSS OF MR. MIKE - THE INDONESIAN IDOL. IN FACT, HE SHOULD AND MUST LOSE TO A BETTER SINGER - IF THERE IS ANY.

AND AS THINGS STAND, I WILL ACCEPT HIS DEFEAT GRACEFULLY, IF HE LOST TO JAC - THE MALAYSIAN IDOL. OR PERHAPS TO MAU - THE PHILIPPINES IDOL.

BUT NOT TO OTHERS. AND CERTAINLY NOT TO MR.HADY MIRZA.

I AM NOT ROOTING FOR THE IDOL OF MY COUNTRY AND YOU ARE A DUMBASS SHIT IF YOU THINK THAT THIS IS ABOUT THAT. OR ABOUT RACE. I AM ROOTING FOR THE BEST SINGER, REGARDLESS OF HIS NATIONALITY.

THE SOLE REASON THAT I AM SORE ABOUT ASIAN IDOL AND THE SOLE REASON THAT I AM BOYCOTTING THE SHOW (I VOW NEVER TO WATCH IT AGAIN TO PROTECT AGAINST FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENT) IS THAT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOUR VOCAL SKILLS AND QUALITY DOES NOT MATTER VERY MUCH. THIS IS NOT A SINGING COMPETITION. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS IS A VOTING COMPETITION.

OH SURE, THE VOTING IS ALL VERY FAIR, BECAUSE THEY ONLY ACCEPTED VOTES WITH TWO COUNTRIES, DIDN'T THEY? THAT'S A NICE ATTEMPT BUT DO YOU NOT THINK THAT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY SMART ENOUGH TO CIRCUMVENT THAT?

HOW, YOU MIGHT ASK? LIKE THIS:

VOTE FOR A AND B.
VOTE FOR A AND C.
VOTE FOR A AND D.
VOTE FOR A AND E.
VOTE FOR A AND F.

THAT'S 5 VOTES FOR A AND ONE VOTE EACH FOR B,C,D,E AND F!

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS DISTRIBUTE. FIRST VOTE BEING THE SINGER YOU ARE ROOTING FOR AND THE SECOND VOTE BEING EVERYBODY ELSE REGARDLESS OF THE QUALITY OF THEIR PERFORMANCE AS LONG AS YOU DO YOUR MATHS RIGHT AND NOT LET THEM BE A DOMINANT MAJORITY.

WOOHOO A IS THE WINNER! I AM GLAD THAT I CONTRIBUTE TO THE REIGNING OF AN UNWORTHY CHAMPION!!! BEAT THAT!!!!!

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, WHO AM I KIDDING? I KNOW RIGHT FROM THE START THIS IS ALL ABOUT THE VOTES. DO YOU THINK IT MATTERS THAT KEN LIM HIMSELF SAID THAT THE WINNER SHOULD BE A CLOSE CALL BETWEEN MIKE AND JAC? DO YOU THINK IT MATTERS AN IOTA THAT NONE OF THE JUDGES MENTIONED HADY MIRZA AS A POTENTIAL WINNER?

COURSE NOT. T'WAS ALL ABOUT THE VOTES. THIS SHOW IS A JOKE. AN OVERBLOWN BROUHAHA.

ASK THOSE PEOPLE WHO WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR CROWNING HIM. CLEARLY, THEY ARE NOT MUSICIANS.

THIS IS NOT JUST INJUSTICE, THIS IS INJUSTICE OF THE GRAVEST SORT. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL TO WIN, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO ARE BETTER THAN YOU? THAT'S ALMOST LIKE A PITY MARK YOUR TEACHER GIVES YOU JUST SO YOU CAN PASS WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO PASS.

I AM DISGUSTED. THESE PEOPLE, THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO VOTE (IN FACT, THEY SHOULD BE PROUD THAT THEY'RE SUCH HARDWORKING BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO HAVE EARNED THAT MUCH!) BUT BECAUSE THEY HAVE SUCCESSFULLY TURNED THIS SHOW INTO A BUFFOON THE SIZE OF EIFFEL TOWER. THANK YOU, YOU GUYS, FOR LETTING ASIAN IDOL LOSE ITS CREDIBILITY AS A DECENT SINGING COMPETITION. FOR MAKING PEOPLE BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF VOTES AND LOSE FAITH IN THE QUALITY OF THE COMPETITION.

THE CREDIT IS ALL YOURS.

CONGRATULATIONS!

IN MY MOMENT OF ANGER, I WROTE TO SHIRLEEN AND THE CONTENT IS AS FOLLOWED:

DEAR SHIRLEEN,

I HOPE YOU DID NOT WATCH THE ASIAN IDOL FOR IF YOU DID, LIKE ME YOU WOULD BOYCOTT THE ASIAN IDOL THE WAY YOU BOYCOTTED THE AMERICAN IDOL ALTHOUGH I THINK THIS WHOLE ASIAN IDOL BUSINESS IS A LOT MORE DISTURBING.

IF ONLY YOU KNOW WHO THE WINNER IS, YOU WILL FAINT. IT'S A SOURCE OF EMBARRASSMENT FOR ASIA THAT WE CAN'T EVEN BE HONEST ENOUGH TO PICK THE BEST SINGER. TRULY, I AM DISGUSTED AND AM BEYOND DISAPPOINTED AS I AM SURE YOU WOULD TOO, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ROSS

Grinning Goat at 12/17/2007 12:15:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Sunday, December 16, 2007

The chicken story

CK: you sound like a geek even at 11 hahaha
R: I hope they think highly of geeky kids

Grinning Goat at 12/16/2007 02:33:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

The burden of blatancy

The moral dilemma in my life in 1000 words.

I agonized over the absurdity of the odds that I might be penalized because my life is too clean.

Anyway, I had several scenarios in mind. They're fascinating not because they're a GOOD moral dilemma, but because of WHAT A LIE they are.

There is no way I can pull it off if it is too much of a lie. It's so blatant I would just be frozen on the spot without room to maneuver because in a space of one lie there is no room for honesty.

If it has to be a lie, it has to be a half truth. And the answer came in a brilliant stroke of inspiration. And it's not brilliant because it is a GOOD moral dilemma, but because it is enough of a story that I can write 1000 words essay for. I asked for a lot of opinions on this (I think to the point of them all wanting to throttle me). My dilemma is clearly not as good a dilemma as the ones my friends came up with (if there is such a thing as a GOOD and a BAD moral dilemma) but I guess it is something the writer in me can blabber on and on about (if there is such a thing as a writer in me).

When I was done writing them, I showed it to Vonka. I didn't miss the irony.

Vonka: (quoting a sentence from my essay) this part is so clearly a lie
R: it WASN'T!!
Vonka: well, it sounds like a fake

And it WASN'T a lie. The story was real, it was the DILEMMA that was the lie.

With no reference whatsoever to whatever I wrote on top (her remarks did NOT offend me so this has nothing to do with her AT ALL), I'd like to make a general remark on truthfulness: Sometimes when people think that you're lying when you're telling the truth, the idea of honesty sounds bogus to you, doesn't it? Because what's the point of being honest when nobody believes you? Might as well LIVE UP TO YOUR REPUTATION.

And no, of course I'm not dissing honesty as a moral value to be upheld. I'm just pointing to you the easy way out. And whoever says the easy way out has to be righteous? It's easy precisely because it isn't.

I've complained a whole lot about this whole essay writing business, as a lot of people probably can testify and I know they'll probably curse me for this but I actually kind of ENJOY writing them, once the idea fell into place.

(Except for that bit on self praise where they asked about my strength and weaknesses --> writing a lot of strengths makes you sound like you BOAST and weaknesses are bad so you're not supposed to write a lot about them anyway, so in the end you're hard up in making up words to reach the required word limit)

In fact, those essays define me more than my academic qualifications. It is more about me than my grades ever are. The words are burnt to the back of my head. A tattoo of permanent scorch.

Grinning Goat at 12/16/2007 01:28:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Friday, December 14, 2007

Browbeaten

To praise yourself in 1000 words is sick.

It's the written form of narcissism. I know that nobody is 100% honest in an application form and I'll be naive to think that anybody does but it still does not mitigate the sheer vanity and self-centredness it required you to possess.

I wrote an entry once about how hard it is to praise yourself and to sound sufficiently modest and sincere while you're at it so as not to appear as a self-loving walking embodiment of idiocy. But surely 1000 words is a little too much?

How modest can you sound if you have to praise yourself the length of half a term paper?

Not very modest.

Grinning Goat at 12/14/2007 02:28:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Beleaguered

I probably should write. But not here. On another browser. On my 1000 words long essay on MORAL DILEMMA I HAVE ENCOUNTERED, excluding academic dishonesty.

Ross: HELP ME PEIN
Pein: shiett that's too much for me. I just woke up
Ross: huahahahaa
Pein: everytime I need help, I ask google
Ross: but how can you search in google something personal?
Pein: that's true. Then that's for yahooanswers
Ross: I'm supposed to write a THOUSAND words long essay on it
Pein: damn. you're screwed. Tell them how you survive on your island
Ross: by not drowning in the sea. That's one sentence, hardly a thousand words!
Pein: you need help from a nerd. I'll help you find one.
Ross: HUAHAHAAAA wowww you manage to SEEK HELP for me while at the same time PRAISING YRSELF as a NON nerd

Oh and for your information the following will be too childish for your adult eyes:

In facebook, I'm Regina's HUMAN PET.

Joan: they say pets look like their owner
R: No wonder I'm so ugly
Joan: or maybe it's the owners that look like their pets
Regina: in that case I'll have to disown you (pointing to me)

Grinning Goat at 12/13/2007 10:56:00 PM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

O Mr. Billy Joel how right you are

I was still in a stupor, stuck in that limbo, not quite asleep and not quite awake when the alarm rang. I had 2 missed call from cheryl and if she bothered to call twice it must be important. So I told her I'm awake and what's up. Then I got a call from the harbinger of death.

A friend I knew overdosed on painkillers and passed away. And no, she's not suicidal. In fact committing suicide is perhaps the furthest thing from her mind. She's one of those ambitious people who draws your envy not because they're ambitious but simply because they know what they want out of life and go all out to get it.

I was mean to her. Back when we were in school. Adel told me that she hardly talked to her and because she was forever online, Adel thought there's always tomorrow. But obviously tomorrow never comes and even I am denied of that constant presence on msn now. I told Adel that what we felt is regret and that is certainly a more merciful feeling than grief. Everything is a more merciful feeling than grief. Anger may eat you up but grief consumes you whole.

To be honest we were not so close. Does that make me feel relieved or guilty?
Both actually. I'm relieved that I'm spared the grief because I'm not so close to her and I'm guilty because I could have been more of a friend than I had been. I guess the question is if I could have been would I have been, given a second chance?

This is the second time a friend of mine died. Once was back when I was still in college. A classmate. This is two deaths too many for a 24 year old.

Obviously there's more to your life than your life; it's the life of other people who are connected to you too. This is why I don't really understand it when people say that after bla bla bla they will die without regret. Who ever dies without regret? That's bullshit. Grief is the worst present a departing person could ever give.

When these people you see in class everyday die, it makes death a lot more realistic. Cheryl was saying, it happened ross. Death happens, it's not just in a movie.

I knew it wasn't. Ever since that classmate of mine took the one way ticket, I knew that the stupid tickets are up for grabs for everyone. It's a game of Russian Rouluette, except that non-russians get to play too.

C.S. Lewis and his wife, on her deathbed were talking about the merits of dying together. But then if you're talking to someone and you cut the phone line, does it matter whether you cut his phone like or both your phone lines? The connection was lost whether you cut the connection on one end or two ends.

He mentioned about how death is a function of time. Without time, there is no death.
So I hate time. Even though they say time is gold and all that.

Death cheats us all. My friend. She was cheated of the opportunities to get education (and she loves medicine so fervently she's married to the profession even before she enters it), get married and have a grand-daughter. Her parents and all of us, we are cheated of her.

And I'm done being cheated.

May you rest in peace. This world isn't such a grand place to begin with anyway. So maybe wherever you are, it's a better place.

Grinning Goat at 12/12/2007 10:53:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Monday, December 10, 2007

Uncontrollable

I'm coming back to lab tomorrow.

It's not like my lab isn't fun. It very much is. And the people are marvelous. But I've come to a state when I appreciate just lazing around.

I'm quite depressed about tomorrow actually.

Lab work is uncontrollable. It's not like a game of gunbound. I can control the game, provided I don't get a stupid mofo as a partner.

Grinning Goat at 12/10/2007 12:45:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Post exam laze

I reread Irving's A prayer for Owen Meany and played a whole lotta gunbound.

Heard a friend said once reading a book a second time feels different. And indeed it does. You're less voracious for content and so are more appreciative of the subtle nuances and hints, especially with Owen Meany where the subject of pre-determination of fate is predominant.

Ah and I was watching Boston Legal the other day. Alan Shore's (James Spader) dad was this cuckoo of a man. Alan always asked him philosophical questions to which his dad always gave the most rubbishy answers; they were all very nonsensical but made a lot of sense (in fact a lot of nonsensical things people say make sense. Wise even, if I were to be more generous with my use of words)

Alan: Dad do you believe in God?
Dad: Yes
Alan: Why?
Dad: Because if I believe in God and it turns out that there is no God then I'm safe but if I don't and it turns out that there is one then...
Alan: What does he look like then?
Dad: hmmm like me; but thinner

Oh I'm going to be a little random today because I realize I haven't written in a while and there's a lot I want to write but I can't put them in order. Or rather I can't be bothered to sequence them into a logical order because I'm supposed to sleep soon (otherwise my mom's going to lock me out of the room).

I went to Border the other day and managed to pick up C.S. Lewis' Grief uncovered (or I think it sounds something like that). He wrote it right after his wife died. To be honest for the first few chapters it lacks the religious fervor characteristic of his work but I guess that's what draws my attention to it. He actually managed to describe grief.

I think that if there's anything that can represent reality, it will not be visual, it will be verbal. It's not so much about the spectrum of colors we have to give vivid colors to reality or the pixels we can put in to improve resolution. I don't think that's the best way to represent reality. That book made me want to cry more than a sad scene from a movie. And that's saying a lot.

I almost experienced grief. And for the fact that the word almost gets to be there, I am thankful. In more ways than I can say. But it was close enough for me to know what it feels like to grieve. And Lewis is right in every single thing he said.

When you are suffering you also think about you suffering. He said, "you lie in bed with a toothache thinking about you lying in bed having a toothache".
There is a lot of other things. But as things stand I don't have such a fine memory (maybe my niece is right. She said, when God says brain I thought he meant train so I asked for a slow one. Maybe I was one of those unfortunate deaf people in my mother's womb) and I couldn't recall with precision what he said; and precision matters because no other words could replace those he used with the same effect. I'm jealous that I didn't think about them and wrote them.

He said that we're foolish if we think that religion can help ease grief. Because it doesn't. And it's not supposed to.

You see, when religious zealots come and tell me that it's not easy to appease God and that doubt is as much a part of belief as religious fervor to go to church is; it helps to put things in perspective. At least it is, in my case. Because I cannot imagine a faith without doubt. That sounds suspiciously like blind faith. And anything blind can't be good.

The point is, you don't know how much faith you put into something until you're put in an extreme position. You can easily say oh yea, this rope is strong. It might be strong if you're lifting goods on a pulley. But that statement on the strength of the rope is a load of bull until you are hanging on a cliff on that rope. When your life depends on it, would you still say the rope is strong?

The other day we went for dinner at Shibi's place. I drank from my Styrofoam cup and chatted while holding my cup when I poked a hole on it. At least I've drank everything up so it saved me further embarrassment from having to apologize for soiling her floor; merciful heavens. Joan said, see Ross that's why she doesn't give you a glass cup. -.-"

Food were served in more Styrofoam plates and plastic spoons and forks. ANDDDDDDD I HAD TO BREAK A FORK, right in front of everybody. Seriously, I'm all for those love -the-environment-let's-hug-the-tree philosophy. Plastics clearly don't sit well with me. I HATE PLASTICS. They have limitless ability to embarrass.

Then there was that other incident when I got cheated.

R: hmmm mentos chewing gum. Is it swallow-able?
Regina: of course la ross, it's MENTOS ehhh (like mentos describes all things edible)
R: oh okk

:: (chew)
:: (more chewing)

Regina: you don't really swallow it, do you???
Ross: so it's NOT swallow-able huh?!!
Regina: it's a CHEWING GUM!!!
Ross: Regina please know that if I die, you kill me
Regina: so gullible eh, rossss

Jesus.

I suppose it's not that hard to kill me.

Grinning Goat at 12/09/2007 12:17:00 AM pontificated

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{buzzz out}